Playing Big (Or At Least Bigger)
“If I just do nothing, then there is no judgement. Unfortunately, that also means no progress.
No change. No arriving at my true potential.
No unveiling of who I really am and want to be.”
A dear friend of mine recommended I read Playing Big by Tara Mohr. She knows very well that even though I love writing, I do not read often, at least not in the adult category. In fact, I read children’s books more than anything in the world. I collect them. I hunt for them. I read them over and over again. Adult books… well, they make it to this side table I own and they sit so pretty in a nice, neat pile of potential. Basically, what I am saying is, I can only handle one adult book at a time and it takes me months upon months to get through. So, in hopes of reading more books, I add to that lovely pile and read bits and pieces of each book and it looks like I must be an avid reader but in reality I have not finished any of them nor broken any of the spines. But then… there are some instances when I keep a bookmark because I have passed chapter 1.
Back to Playing Big. This book I am getting through slowly, not because it’s a difficult read, but because it is so powerful and speaks to me to the core. When that happens, I stick with the book. Mohr’s words force me to face myself. Something I have been avoiding for a long time, in hopes that the topic would just disappear and that I would miraculously solve all my inner issues and problems. The title alone gives me goosebumps: Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead. The reader, me, who is known for being wise among family and friends can often be afraid to speak up when it seems like I am causing disharmony, scared to create what is my true vision for fear of being criticized, and slow to lead a revolution toward what I see is transformative and right for fear of failing. If, I just do nothing, then there is no judgement. Unfortunately, that also means no progress. No change. No arriving at my true potential. No unveiling of who I really am and want to be.
The aha chapter is the one titled Unhooking from Praise and Criticism. Yep. That’s me. Right there. I don’t need to read a single word more and I already know that I am in for a difficult reality check. Let’s dissect that chapter title for a second. (I’ll now employ what I learned in high school AP Composition as I analyze this text.) “Unhooking” implies that “being hooked” on something is a current status. In between the lines, the chapter is asking me, “Am I hooked on praise and criticism?” The embarrassing, yet truthful answer is Yes.
While I was able to make it this far, I still cannot say that I am playing big. I am deathly afraid of criticism. I yearn for praise but also scared to get too much and need to meet even higher expectations and scared to eventually fail. Wow. There is some depth there that needs addressing. That sounds nothing like how I would teach my students or my own children. That is definitely not advice I would offer my friends or clients. But yet, I cannot seem to shake it off. Until I recognize an issue, I cannot begin to unravel and address it, can I? So this book is really meant for me. Now to dig into this chapter. Chip away at it little by little and see how I can come out of it, playing just a little bigger (well, at least not any smaller.)
So that led to playing it big (or really just a bit bigger) by starting a blog (what this is).